News Flash
– New Fellowship to Form
By the Always-Right Reverend
Doctor Isaiah J Trin - PhuD, ThuD, DuD
(Doc Trin, for short)
After much debate with myself, I have decided that we need a new non-organization of independent Baptists. It seems that most independent Baptists, while claiming to be independent, really have no desire to be independent. They have, therefore, formed many organizations to help realize and achieve their dreams of non-organizational heaven on earth, known as having your name and eating it, too.
We
have the WBF, ABA, ABC, SBC, GARB, BBFI, SBF, NIBF, PTA, NBA, and most recently
(as far as I know), the GIBF. There are
probably others, of which I am not now able to speak, even if I should want to
do so. By the time I finish writing
this, there will be three more. We also have mission organizations, family
advocacy organizations, political organizations, and book distribution
organizations that claim to serve independent Baptist churches (mostly by
asking for their money), while maintaining separation from them so as not to be
watched too closely. These too, for the
most part, have names that are scrunched into letters. All of these, while meeting the strict
criteria of maintaining an acronym that no-one outside the organization will
recognize or be able to pronounce, have nevertheless failed to a great extent
in providing a suitable moniker that can be used in scrabble.
Consequently,
it is my privilege to announce the formation of the non-organization that will
be the final word among independent, no-nonsense, pre, post, or ah –
millennial, closed-minded, unaffiliated Baptists who want to get together and
remain separate. The name is something
that can be pronounced, so there will be no misunderstanding about where to
send your money, or who is most important.
I take great pleasure in inviting all unaffiliated Baptists to affiliate
with my (ehh, umm, OUR) new and all-inclusive fellowship, the
(IFIB)
I
see no need to fool around with national, international, or global
restrictions, or dilly-dally with unimportant geographical connotations. We’ll just go for it all!! Our reach and our influence shall know no
bounds (and we know no-no’s). And,
besides, the name has a nice ring to it.
The name also is very practical and will appeal to those who do not like
change (i.e., Baptists). Should we eventually find intelligent life
on other planets (or even here on earth), we will not have to change our name
to include them in the organization. A
simple “Join Invitation Galactica” (jig) will be sufficient to add the space
people to our organization.
In
order to make this non-organized fellowship the very best and most important
for now, a few things are needed, as follows:
1.
A
president – All non-organizations need a sharp-minded, clever visionary to
guide the ship in whatever circumstance she should find herself, whether fair
weather or foul, lean times or fat (without getting personal), and in calm or
raging seas. Since I personally know of
no-one who is more uniquely qualified, I hereby nominate, appoint, and elect
(without being fore-ordained) myself to that office. It saves a lot of trouble and bickering about who should have the
office and, after all, it was my idea.
We can eventually talk about replacing me when I get tired of it and
want to do something else, or should I be forced to start another organization
when this one becomes too liberal. At
that juncture, perhaps a nice title like “Supreme Guide Emeritus” can be given,
and I can disappear into obscurity with a suitable pension and more letters
after my name. We do not hold that the
president is infallible, except when he invokes the ex-cathedra
privilege to which his office is entitled.
Even then, he can only lay aside one scriptural principle at a time, and
only if he cites a scriptural reason for doing so.
2.
A
paper – All non-organizations worth their literary salt must have a suitable
outlet for expressing the views of the president, and perhaps those of a few
other notables within the non-establishment.
We shall publish a quarterly paper that will keep our unaffiliated
member churches aware of what’s going on in the non-organization. This paper needs a good name, and we have
decided to title it The Sword and the Towel. Please do not think this a misprint. We understand that C.H. Spurgeon published a
periodical known as The Sword and the Trowel, but we feel pretty
certain that Mr. Spurgeon would not want us usurping his name for our
publication, and the name we have chosen serves our interests in much finer
fashion, since we have already thrown it in (the towel, that is). This gem of literary merit will serve to
enlighten our members about the things we already have in common, and with
which we all agree. It will also point
out the faults of those with whom we disagree, such as those who call their
non-organizations conventions instead of fellowships. If you can’t keep your good name, what can you keep? Should we fail to garner enough material for
any particular issue of The Towel, we will publish messages from
other good sources, and edit them to give the appearance that the author (who
is probably now dead and can’t defend himself) agrees with all of our doctrinal
positions. These messages will then be
posted to our web site for use by those who would like to preach a good
message, but can’t find one.
3.
An
Executive Director – this position is necessary to lend credibility to any
non-organization, and to take the blame for anything that goes wrong, thereby
absolving the president of any liability for his actions. That’s really all it’s for – really.
4.
A
School – The non-organization needs a cathedral of higher learning to be the
focal point for the preparation of those who will be in positions of primary
leadership within the churches who support the non-organization (and the
school). Churches who are affiliated
with the non-organization will be expected to send their best, most energetic,
on-fire, talented people away from their home church to the school to properly
ascertain such things as the correct pronunciation of theological terms not
occurring in scripture, such as “supralapsarianism,” and “theophany.” This may weaken many churches but, so what? It strengthens mine. They can also learn things about music, dress
codes, and mannerisms not specifically addressed in the bible, but firmly
believed by the administration because they are “proper.” And there will be no beards, such as Aaron,
David, Solomon, the priests, and Jesus wore, and no locusts, wild honey, or
clothes made from camel’s hair allowed in the dormitories. And no bagpipes under any
circumstances. You can’t find those
things in the bible anywhere.
Attendance at this institution will provide students with avenues for
discovering how to break the rules without getting caught, and thereby prepare
them for life. They can be overseen by
people who don’t know them, so if they should be reported as a scoundrel by
said people to those who do know them, such report will promptly be labeled as
libelous (or slanderous, if in verbal form).
These students can, upon graduation, go out and fill the pastorates of
any churches needing same, thereby ensuring the future stability of the
non-organization and the school. Should
any church decide that it is the local church that was given the charge to
train leadership, so that she might keep the strength she has been given, we
will not be disagreeable, but shall refer to the little school as “Podunk,” and
will not recognize her graduates as being “real preachers.” And we will most certainly not allow them to
be referred to by the scriptural title of Doctor, nor to put multiple letters
after their names as if it actually meant something – unless, of course, their
last name happens to be “Doctor.”
The first required course of the school will be The
Art of Argument, which will teach the all-important difference between
defending something we are doing that is not in scripture (i.e., “Well,
the Bible doesn’t say we can’t do it that way) and defending something
that we are not doing that is in scripture (i.e., “Well, the Bible
doesn’t say we have to do it that way”). As we all know, all other positions for a successful
non-organization are built upon this foundation – and the knowledge that a
house divided against itself can always re-divide.
5.
An
annual meeting – In order to keep order in the non-organizational order, we
will convene at least one annual meeting – per year. We will discuss those things that need to be discussed, such as
what kind of food we will have at the next annual meeting, and why we tabled
all the controversial things from the last annual meeting (that would be mostly
because we hoped that the same trouble-makers who showed up last time don’t
show up this time). The meeting should
be held at the school, of course, so the member churches can avail themselves
of this opportunity to say “ooh” and “ahh” when they observe all the things
that have been constructed at the school.
We will pass resolutions, such as those requiring us to abstain from
bible translations we are not now using, and to declare that non-affiliated
members who don’t pay their dues are no longer members of the
non-organization. We may have a time
for the students to demonstrate what they have learned at the school by
allowing them to sing for us (all songs must be approved by the song approval
committee), or perhaps holding preaching contests and judging how well they can
flail their arms in the pulpit and say “See?”
Perhaps we will have a “speech contemptible” award for the best preacher,
engraved with the words of Second Corinthians 10:10. We can close the annual meeting by having one of the more
influential among us bring us a stirring message on the church, reminding us
that we are all independent and autonomous, and that’s why we’re all here
keeping the organization together at any cost.
After that, we will all write checks to the missions clearing-house of
the non-organization. Givers of large
donations will be recognized by bestowing upon them the “gift of the pointy
hat.”
There
may, or may not, be other things that are necessary for the
non-organization. Those things can be
determined by the committee on necessities, or by the President, as he sees
fit. As of now, I am the only member of
the non-organization, which makes the organization extremely efficient. Should you desire to be a part of IFIB
(pronounced IFIB), you may contact me for an application and further
information. Thank you so much. But act soon. I expect the response to be overwhelming, given man’s inclination
to build things in honor of himself. If
you don’t like the idea of my organization, you may start your own
organization. Who knows? – maybe I will
join it.
Doc
Trin